I don't know.

I’m used to being neutral with regard to most arguments, in the sense that I’ll have an opinion, but it will be the most conservative one. Just the opinion that sits on the fence, acknowledging the merits of all parties. Yet it’s only now that I begin to question the validity of that.

No one has access to the truth, and no one certainly knows the truth. So why do I opt for a passive position in arguments, searching, waiting for the truth to pass me by and allow me to easily transition my ideas. A truth that isn’t coming. A truth that isn’t humanly possible. A truth that will never come.

I feel a sense of dehumanization, a sense of cold ambivalence washing over me as a I resign myself from the issues of the world, as I try to transcend the asinine banalities of the world. As I try to be independent, and discover meaning in my life as I see fit; free from rule and regulation, free from the stranglehold of society, I succumb to the realization that such an effort will prove to be humanly impossible. For there will be no truth, no light at the end of my journey - I will not ever claim existential glory, I will not ever redeem the sins of being human.

And yet as I type this a sense of faith is restored in me, as I realize how meek and feeble and weak I am. Like a human ought to be. How perhaps that maybe it’s not because I’m trying to overcome an apparent existential crisis plaguing humanity, but maybe because I’m weak, and afraid to hold to an ideal that will one day betray me. Maybe I’m better off not believing and remaining forever an outsider to the current affairs of the world. But rest assured that I am not alone, for there are others strong in their convictions - and history supports me on this one - who adhere to viewpoints for the same reason that I do not, because they are weak; too spellbound by their absurd human need to seek meaning to see that their ideals veil the fallacies that embody it. Maybe I am the strong one, cast free from the need to conform to meaning, to conform to a sense of purpose.

I am satisfied. I am free. I am tabula rasa.