sorry readers

After this post I'll be on hiatus until after exams.

But it's:

Not like anyone frequently reads this anymore anyway.

Not that I write this shit for you to read.

Not that I write this for myself either.

Why do I write, why do I so tediously toil away behind this keyboard?

[I ponder and ponder, but to no avail; thus I beg another question]

Why do I not write?

Because my thoughts sound better in my head than they do on blogger.

Because it seems like a waste of time to translate these thoughts onto blogger.

[waste of time? what, like you'll be doing more important things?]

Because all this time, every fucking post I've made on blogger has been me trying to make sense of something, me trying to justify myself, me trying to explain my thoughts and ideas so that you'll accept them, so that you'll find them to make sense, so that I'll find them to make sense. And maybe, just maybe I can feel justified, and maybe I can feel sanctimonious; dwelling in the candid belief that I have truly expressed justice to myself. Maybe I can dwell knowing that my beliefs are sanctioned, that the mantras I hold are reasonable, logical, rational.

All in the hopes that maybe I can piece everything together like a jigsaw puzzle. But oh, if only it were so easy, if only I had the capability to see the pieces as they are, and place them where they are meant to be. If only it were possible to file the correct document in the right folder, but alas, the task is tenfold easier than it sounds.

For you see, my vision is flawed, it has grown weary, and it has lost its way from midway last year. And as I stare and clatter at my hand me down keyboard, I tear away at the shackles that have kept my mind so sedated for the past few months - it's all coming back to me now, like the fire who lost his embers, like the Asian who just tuned up his Honda [VTEC JUST KICKED IN YO!]. For it can be said, bashfully at the very least, that for the past few months, my mind has been living in a state of sedation, fed images of what is real, fed lies, and veils that one can only call subjectivity, and my mind has been playing along.

And my mind has been dulled to the point where it's been spending months, it's been spending nearly two years in fact, trying to piece together a jigsaw puzzle, of whom the pieces he cannot see perfectly, and he has been failing. I recall the times when I'd come to Blogger trying to discover myself, trying to discover what was missing from my life, and I may not have found it yet, but I am now sure that I won't find it in the state of mindless delusion that has held me captive and spellbound for the past year.

And I have been using this flawed logic, this veiled arbitrariness to try and make meaning of anything, of everything, of myself. But it's time to step back, it's time to refresh my broken mind. My eyes are open now. What sense is there to make? Is there any sense in attempting to make sense? Is it worth investing such time and energy into trying to make sense of it all?

No, I must take a different approach, with the newly re-acquired vision I have. Fuck it, fuck everything, let the chips fall where they may, stop trying to control everything, let's see how that works out.

And isn't it funny, how just like that, I remember why I started blogging in the first place?

Anyway, the hiatus still stands, bye for now.